Friday, October 13, 2006

Pig & Cock

Analytical meditation on dependent arising - had a glimpse of how right view could help increase compassion. The glimpse has now gone, completely gone, it has ceased to be, it is an ex-glimpse!

I've been observing attachment, the mind projecting all these wonderful qualities onto someone and fabricating all sorts of story lines. Mind has been busy rationalising: out of contact comes feeling, out of feeling comes attachment, out of attachment comes craving, etc Well, so what? Yes, I understand that this momentary subjective experience is dependent arising and empty of existing independently of the coming together of all sorts of causes and conditions. So what? Here I am, facing it, it keeps popping up, so I keep on facing it again and again, and despite the glimpses of the emptiness of my feelings I still don't know what to do. All I know is that there is this strong urge to do something about it, even if that 'doing' stays at the mental level, like 'understanding' this urge. Well, actually there is an urge to understand and an urge to react. Doing nothing is a choice, of course. And yet I wonder about the wisdom of this choice. Observing without reacting sounds wise. But what if I'm choosing not to act out of fear? Well, fear can be wise too. So there is this frustrating lack of clarity - I am not aware of my deepest unconscious motivations, and I'm not fully aware of the consequences of my actions. And this 'not-knowing' brings up anxiety - and analysis is paralysis!

I've been listening to Geshe Tashi talking about 3 levels of concept of selfhood
1) self as permanent, unitary, indivisible reality (atman)
2) self as self-suffient, substantial, real entity
3) self as intrinsic being
Uh? Go figure...!

I've also been trying to do some Analytical Meditation: e.g. how does the I that wants to be happy appear to me? how do I apprehend the 'I' who is meditating? (what the heck?! - feeling the fullforce of ignorance!)

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